Another Dream...

Okay, so I shared with you my dream about Las Vegas and now I am going to share yet another serious dream, as I can't get it out of my head. Here is my dream:

Scott and I were installing a commercial real estate post. It was taking too long and the kids were with us. So, we decided to call it a day and come back the next day. So, on Sunday, we dropped the kids off at a park with family and friends and left to go put the post up. I was a nervous wreck the whole time, as I knew how crazy our kids could be at the park and when swimming, which they were going to do.

After many hours away from the kids, we made our way back to the park. When we got there everyone was sitting under the ramadas, looking rather solemn. I knew immediately that something was wrong. Blake came running up to us and he jumped into my arms. I looked around and didn't see Cadence anywhere. I asked Blake where she was. BIG, HUGE crocodile tears poured down his cheeks and he answered, "Gone."

"What do you mean gone?"
"She's gone, she, she..." His voice trailed off and he turned to look at the grandparents sitting beneath the ramada. My mother in law came up to us and said, "There has been an accident."

I started screaming, "What, what, what, tell me what happened?"

She shared with us that everyone was swimming and Cadence wanted to look at the fish in the pond. They didn't know that she had wandered away and when they found her it was too late. She was already gone.

I kept screaming and screaming and screaming in my dream. How could this be? Cadence's life moments flashed before my eyes, like a book being thumbed through. I could hear her laughter, I saw her smiling face, I heard her cries, saw her stumbling first steps, her first tooth, her....It was too much for me! I wanted off this road, I didn't want to be on it. I just kept screaming. I yelled that I wanted to see her. They said that I could, that she was in the nearby building. I had to see, but I didn't have the strength. I am not sure what Scott was doing at this point, as all I recall from the dream were my screams. I had to go see her, but I wanted someone to go with me. They all so graciously offered. But it didn't feel right. I didn't want them to go with me. I kept saying over and over, I just want someone to go with me, I need someone to go with me.

Then it was as if all time stood still. My mind cleared and I realized once again that I needed God. I needed HIM to walk beside me and help me face my fears. I needed HIM as my firm foundation to give me the courage to walk this road. I stood at the front of the ramada and addressed the group of people solemnly sitting there.

I began, with a lump in my throat. "God knows the plans He has for our lives. He knew about this day even before it arrived. God showed me the blogs of other believers and knew that I would one day have to draw upon their strength to get through this tragedy. With God all things are possible." With that, I turned toward the building and WOKE UP! Crying. I grabbed Scott and told him about the dream. He held me close and I could sense that he wanted to cry along with me. While we still have our precious daughter here with us, it made me realize how truly special each and everyday is. How our days are numbered here on this earth and that I need God to be my firm foundation.

I am still resisting it for whatever reason. It is something I struggle with on a daily basis. I want to know God, but I am afraid to. I am afraid that I am too much of a sinner for Him to want me back. I am afraid that I am not worthy of His love. I have these dreams quite often. I want God to be an important part of my DAILY life, if I could just make the time to do it, I know that I can become the Godly woman he wants me to be.

Deep Thoughts...

For as long as I can remember I have had VERY vivid dreams at night. I will awake in the morning not knowing if my dream was real or not. I have even been known to carry on conversations at night and scare the living day lights out of my husband.

But last night, last night was different. While I did have a dream, one in which I will share with you in a moment, it was, shall I say, not as detailed as normal. It was more of an abstract dream, with muted colors and many questions were left unanswered at the end of the dream. However, I think that Someone wanted me to wake up and answer the questions and interpret the dream myself. This dream has changed my life, it has made me think of where I want to go and who I want to be.

This was my dream...

We were in Vegas(in real life we just got back from Vegas) and I was trying to get back to our room. I kept turning down the wrong hallways and getting lost, when finally I found an escalator. The escalator was broken(also a common problem on our recent trip) but I climbed it anyway. As I neared the top, I could see a huge gap between the top of the escalator and the flooring. I continued to climb. When I reached the top I knew that I would have to jump, so I gave it everything I had and jumped. I didn't quite make it and I grabbed a brass rail, as I began to plummet into the gap. An elderly woman was down the hallway on my right and she chuckled and told me that this was not the right way. Duh, like I didn't already know that. Plus, why wasn't she helping me? She pointed me to an old staircase next to the escalator and said, "That is the right way!" I looked toward the old staircase and swung on the brass rail. I swung right onto that old staircase and landed with a loud thud. Within moments, my nephew was by my side, climbing those old stairs. As we stepped on each stair, it creaked and groaned and the nails that were holding it together would pop out. The old lady cackled above us and said, "Yes, yes that is the right way." "But it's hard," I complained. She just kept saying, "Yes, yes that is the right way!" I was so frustrated. I didn't want to go this way. I was scared. I was afraid of falling. What if I failed? However, I kept going. I made it to the top! And guess what? There was no gap. Just solid flooring for me to stand on. Then, I woke up!

This is my interpretation:

I used to be a strong believer in God. I used to attend church regularly and I volunteered my time helping in the church. I prayed daily and read my Bible. Somewhere in the rush of life, I have forgotten HIM. We stopped going to church because we are TOO busy. Okay, I know that is not a good excuse, but we are just worn out and tired by week's end. I felt that I could just take the easy way out (the escalator) but even when that route proved to be hard, I thought I could do it alone. I neglected to remember, HIM, the One who created us. The One who forgives our sins. The One who shows us His grace and love. When I was finally willing to listen, I still endured a difficult road(the old staircase) but in the end I found HIM! HE is all I need! He is my firm foundation! Today has been a different day! I have had energy. I have more joy. I have a skip in my step. Even though today was a tough one, I knew that at the end of the day, HE would be here for me, to love and accept me, no matter what.

My life has new meaning today and I am glad that God has given me the gift of dreaming in detail!