27 minutes ago
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Okay, so I shared with you my dream about Las Vegas and now I am going to share yet another serious dream, as I can't get it out of my head. Here is my dream:
Scott and I were installing a commercial real estate post. It was taking too long and the kids were with us. So, we decided to call it a day and come back the next day. So, on Sunday, we dropped the kids off at a park with family and friends and left to go put the post up. I was a nervous wreck the whole time, as I knew how crazy our kids could be at the park and when swimming, which they were going to do.
After many hours away from the kids, we made our way back to the park. When we got there everyone was sitting under the ramadas, looking rather solemn. I knew immediately that something was wrong. Blake came running up to us and he jumped into my arms. I looked around and didn't see Cadence anywhere. I asked Blake where she was. BIG, HUGE crocodile tears poured down his cheeks and he answered, "Gone."
"What do you mean gone?"
"She's gone, she, she..." His voice trailed off and he turned to look at the grandparents sitting beneath the ramada. My mother in law came up to us and said, "There has been an accident."
I started screaming, "What, what, what, tell me what happened?"
She shared with us that everyone was swimming and Cadence wanted to look at the fish in the pond. They didn't know that she had wandered away and when they found her it was too late. She was already gone.
I kept screaming and screaming and screaming in my dream. How could this be? Cadence's life moments flashed before my eyes, like a book being thumbed through. I could hear her laughter, I saw her smiling face, I heard her cries, saw her stumbling first steps, her first tooth, her....It was too much for me! I wanted off this road, I didn't want to be on it. I just kept screaming. I yelled that I wanted to see her. They said that I could, that she was in the nearby building. I had to see, but I didn't have the strength. I am not sure what Scott was doing at this point, as all I recall from the dream were my screams. I had to go see her, but I wanted someone to go with me. They all so graciously offered. But it didn't feel right. I didn't want them to go with me. I kept saying over and over, I just want someone to go with me, I need someone to go with me.
Then it was as if all time stood still. My mind cleared and I realized once again that I needed God. I needed HIM to walk beside me and help me face my fears. I needed HIM as my firm foundation to give me the courage to walk this road. I stood at the front of the ramada and addressed the group of people solemnly sitting there.
I began, with a lump in my throat. "God knows the plans He has for our lives. He knew about this day even before it arrived. God showed me the blogs of other believers and knew that I would one day have to draw upon their strength to get through this tragedy. With God all things are possible." With that, I turned toward the building and WOKE UP! Crying. I grabbed Scott and told him about the dream. He held me close and I could sense that he wanted to cry along with me. While we still have our precious daughter here with us, it made me realize how truly special each and everyday is. How our days are numbered here on this earth and that I need God to be my firm foundation.
I am still resisting it for whatever reason. It is something I struggle with on a daily basis. I want to know God, but I am afraid to. I am afraid that I am too much of a sinner for Him to want me back. I am afraid that I am not worthy of His love. I have these dreams quite often. I want God to be an important part of my DAILY life, if I could just make the time to do it, I know that I can become the Godly woman he wants me to be.
Blake has started school. I will post pictures and a cute story later, but I wanted to share with you our conversation from yesterday, as it was just too cute.
When I pick Blake up from school he is full of stories and adventures from his day. He LOVE'S to talk while we drive home. Yesterday the conversation turned to what he wants to be when he grows up. This is the first time that I think he truly understands what this means. Here was his list:
Demolition Derby Driver
Pretty great aspirations if I do say so myself. Well, after he told me what he NOW wants to be he decided to tell me what he USED to want to be.
Last time ago (his words for the past) I wanted to be a:
Someone who fixes trains
Daycare Worker (Whoa! Can't believe I had that much of an impression!)
Well, I think he told me about 10 other jobs. When he never mentioned what daddy does, I figured I would ask him.
ME: "So you don't want to be a post hole digger and put in real estate posts?'
HIM: "No way, that is way too hard of work!"
I had to laugh-I am glad that he realizes how hard his dad's job is and that he sees his dad working hard to provide for our family. While I know Scott would like to "check-out" and be done with our business. He can't. He won't. Unless of course, he knows that there is another way to provide for his family. I love Blake's honesty and once again I love that he recognizes that his dad works hard. I hope someday that Blake will have a job and work hard to provide for his family.
Thank you Scott for providing for our family!